001.

i went to J's house today, i love going over there so much more than i used to now. Every time we end up in this deep conversation about weight loss & admit our little tricks to one-another, she kept looking at me with envy, & secretly it made me thrilled.
her mum looked at me & asked about my "diet", she tried to make it sound like she was asking about what i ate normal-healthy wise but it was obvious she was prying into my weight loss.
"heartbreak weight." & she just said she was sorry. so i am. it's been 6 months since he left & all I've lost is 12 measly lb's. I've half taught myself to hear his voice in my head when he told me i needed to tone up. when he was hinting that i was fat.
J & I ended up going for a really long walk, 40 minutes pretty much completely uphill, I'm so unfit, my thighs were burning & aching, my back is killing me now but it was worth it. 1 hour 30 minutes in total, roughly. & we only stopped for about 10 minutes in total, once to catch our breath at the top of the hill by the mill post & the again so J could have a mental breakdown over the lambs.
they were kinda cute.
i was supposed to be fasting today, fasting Sunday 'n all that but then J had to go on & pull out a box of Thornton's chocolates. i had 3. they must be at least 100 calories each right?! & my eating just went all downhill from there, 2 breakaway bars, 3/4 a pack of sainsburys basics tortilla chips, goodness knows how many maryland cookies (about 6-8), half a pack of jaffa cakes (which next time I'm hiding in my bag so i don't have to eat them) & one sugar-free cream soda at grandads, yogurt, one bakewell slice (but i spat most of it out & got the dog to eat the evidence), Chinese D:, & 1/6 profiterole gateau. I'm sure it was more though :/ ARGH.
tomorrow, eating allowance is 800, then I'm gonna take 200 away each day till it's a fast, then bring it back up to 800, just so it tricks my metabolism.
i forgot to weigh myself this morning because i was in a hurry to get to J's house & then my mum got up & it was tricky to find some privacy, she still thinks it's okay to sit on the edge of the bath whilst I'm on the toilet. it's weird i swear. I'm guessing I'm between 105lb & 110lb? unless I've gained :| I've been eating SO badly.
that stops tomorrow.
J's gone back up to London & isn't back till the end of the month. i want to lose at least 5lb by then.
i hope she notices.

♥